Laugh your b*lls OFF!

Once there was an ****** his given name
was "Onestone," so named because he had only
one testicle. He hated that name and asked
everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and
years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill
them!" The word got around and nobody called him
that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night He made love to her all the next day, until
Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got
around that Onestone meant what he promised he
would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his
given name until a woman named Yellow Bird
returned to the village after being away for many
years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,
was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged
him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the
forest, then he made love to her all day, made love
to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!

And what is the moral of this story? "You can't kill
two birds with one stone."

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was too high and he purchased a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

" PREACHER'S @SS SHOWS"

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The next day the headline read:

" PREACHER'S @SS OUT IN FRONT"

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity he ordered the preacher to remove the donkey from the next race. The headline the next day read:

" BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S @SS "

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day read:

" NUN HAS BEST @SS IN TOWN "

The Bishop fainted. He told the nun she must get rid of the donkey, so the nun sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The headline the next day read:

" NUN SELLS @SS FOR $10.00 "

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. The headline the next day read:

" NUN ANNOUNCES HER @SS IS WILD AND FREE! "

The Bishop was buried the next day!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his rear.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...it was so cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.

The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.

It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a bl*w job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the change and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, stop now, you've been relieved".

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his b*tt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table.

"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again "...On the road again..."

The M.A. is totally unimpressed...
"So what?" he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?
"the guy asked,
"Are you kidding?" says the M.A.
"Any *sshole can sing country music!"

A teenager comes home from school and asks his dad, ‘What’s the difference between potential and reality?’

His dad says, ‘I’ll show you. Ask your mum if she’d sleep with David Beckham for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.’

So the kid goes to ask his mum, ‘Would you sleep with David Beckham for a million dollars?’ His mum says, ‘Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.’ Then he asks his sister, ‘For a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?’ She says, ‘Yes!’

The kid goes back to his dad and says, ‘I’ve got it. Potentially we’re sitting on two million bucks – but in reality, we’re living with a couple of slags.’

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, ‘You're in charge of sweeping.’

He then turns to the Irishman. ‘You're in charge of digging.’

Finally, he turns to the Chinaman. ‘And you're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.’ Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby looking sheepish.

‘Why didn't you sweep any off it?’ he asks the pair. The Italian looks at him. ‘We didn’t have a broom or shovel. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him.’

Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental. Just then, the Chinaman leaps out from behind the pile of sand. ‘Supplies!’ he yells.

A very, very drunk man flops onto a bus seat next to a priest. His tie is stained, his face plastered with lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his trouser pocket.

He opens his newspaper and starts reading, but after a few minutes turns to the priest and asks, ‘Hey, Father, do you have any idea what causes arthritis?’

‘Yes,’ the priest replies sternly. ‘It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, drinking too much alcohol and having complete contempt for your fellow man.’

‘Well, I’ll be damned,’ the drunk mutters, and returns to his paper. The bus carries on its way, and a few minutes later the priest, feeling guilty about what he has just said, nudges the man and apologizes to him.

‘I’m very sorry,’ says the holy man. ‘I didn’t mean to come on so strong. It was mean-spirited and inconsiderate of me. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?’

‘I haven’t,’ says the drunk. ‘I was just reading here that the Pope has.’

thanks to Shee Pinn for sharing

THE FIRST AFFAIR

A married man was having an affair with his lovely, luscious secretary. One
day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where
they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep,
awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the
woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove
home. "Where on earth have you been till so late?" demanded his wife when
he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an
affair with my secretary and we've been together all afternoon. I fell
asleep after making love to her, and didn't wake up until 8 o'clock." The
wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been
playing golf again!!"


THE SECOND AFFAIR

There was a middle-aged couple with two stunningly beautiful teenaged
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they had
always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and
sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful
father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and
was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his
wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" he exclaimed. Then he
gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The
wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Oh no, not this time, dear!"


THE THIRD AFFAIR

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was to be cremated, he noticed the enormous
size of the dead man's 'manhood'. "Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said
the mortician to himself, as though speaking to the dead body, "but I
can't just send you off to be cremated with this tremendously huge
specimen. It should be sent to the University Medical Faculty for
examination." With that, the
mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's private part. He then
stuffed his prize into a large clear plastic bag and took it home, to be
delivered to the University the following day. The first person he showed
it to was his wife. "Honey, I have something to show you that you just
won't believe is true," he said, as he showed her the 'specimen'. "Oh my
God!" the wife screamed before she fainted away, "Schwartz is dead!"


THE FOURTH AFFAIR

A woman was in bed with her paramour when she heard her husband unlocking
the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in that corner." Then she
quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue." "Why, what's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room, and saw the new 'ornament'. "Oh, it's just a statue,"
she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I
liked it so much, I got one for
us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went
to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to
the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
milk. "Here," he whispered to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an
idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a
glass of water."


THE FIFTH AFFAIR

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaims the man
in amazement.. The bartender replies, "Yes, here it is." So the man
glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone
steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, Sir," replies the
barman, "but that comes to real money. It'll cost you a whole 4 cents."
"Four Cents?", exclaims the man, astounded. "Wow! Where's the guy who owns
this place?" The
bartender replies, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "Well, what's
he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing
as I'm doing to his business."


THE SIXTH AFFAIR

Jake was dying. His wife, Betty, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly. "Betty my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she
said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Betty," he said in his tired
voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to
confess," replied the weeping wife, everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Betty. I....I've slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and even your mother!" "I know, my
sweet one" whispered Betty, "that's why I've poisoned you."

Contributed by Shee Pinn

Taking his seat on a flight, a businessman is bemused to see a parrot in the next seat. The plane takes off and the man asks the stewardess for a coffee. As he does, the parrot screeches, ‘Yeah, and get me a double whisky too, you ugly cow!’ The stewardess walks off to get the drinks, but on her return has forgotten the man’s coffee. She apologizes, and as she turns to get the coffee the parrot again squawks, ‘Yeah, and get me another whisky you slack-arsed tart!’ By now the stewardess is rattled, and she returns with the whisky, but again no coffee. The man, having observed the parrot’s success, decides to try the rude approach. ‘I’ve asked you for coffee twice!’ he bellows, ‘Now get your lazy butt back there and get me a cup of coffee.’ Moments later he and the parrot are dragged from their seats and thrown out of the emergency exit by two stewards. They plunge downwards for a few seconds, then the parrot looks at the man and squawks, ‘For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a ballsy prat!’

Three rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs they start talking about how tough they are. The first rat says, ‘When I woke up there was a matchbox of Rat-o-kill outside my hole. I ate the whole lot and didn't feel a thing.’ After a significant pause and a few more glasses, the second rat chips in, ‘When I got up this morning, there was an enormous rat trap with a huge piece of prime cheese for bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a bruise.’ At this, the third rat gets up and heads for the door. ‘Where are you going?’ ask the two other rats. ‘Aw, I'm bored here. Think I'll go home and shag the cat again.’

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been f*cked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s surgery and asks how much it costs to extract wisdom teeth.

‘RM200,’ the dentist says. ‘That’s a ridiculous amount,’ the man says. ‘Isn’t there a cheaper way?’

‘Well,’ the dentist says, ‘if I don’t use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to RM160.’ ‘That’s still too expensive,’ the man says.

‘Okay,’ says the dentist. ‘If I save on electricity and wear and tear on the tools, and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers I could get away with charging RM100.’ ‘Nope,’ moans the man. ‘It’s still too much.’

‘Hmm,’ says the dentist, scratching his head. ‘If I let one of my students on work experience have a crack, I suppose I could charge RM20.’ ‘Marvellous,’ says the man. ‘Book the wife in for next Tuesday.’

Two ducks check into a hotel for a dirty weekend. They get up to their room, only to discover they've no condoms. "No problem," quacks the male, "I'll just call down to room service and get them to bring one up."

A few minutes later, room service is knocking at the door. The male duck waddles over, takes the condom and tips the lad.

"Sir," asks the man, before leaving, "should I put that on your bill?"

"Christ no!" quacks the duck, startled, "what do you think I am, some kind of pervert?!"

A man goes into a gun shop for a telescopic rifle sight. The assistant takes one out, points out the window and says: "This baby is so good, you can see right into my house on that hill way over there." The man looks through the sight at the house and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the assistant.

"Well, I can see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house," replies the customer.

Snatching the 'scope back, the assistant cranes his eye through the sight and sure enough, there is his wife, naked, being hotly pursued by an excited young man.

Furious, the assistant says to the man, "If I give you two bullets, will you blow my wife's head off with one and take the man's d*ck out with the other? I'll give you the telescopic sight for free if you do."

"Okay," the man says, as he takes out his rifle and attacks the sight. Taking a quick look through it before loading, he hands one bullet back. "You know what?" he says. "I think I can do this with just one shot."

An extremely wealthy 80-year-old arrived for his annual check-up and smiled when the doctor enquired about his health. "Never better," he announced proudly. "I've taken an 18-year-old bride, and she's pregnant. What do you think of that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "I once knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he slept in, and in the subsequent rush, he dashed out with his umbrella instead of his rifle." "Go on, doc," said the old-timer "Deep in the woods, he faced a huge, angry bear, raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" Dumbfounded, the old codger shook his head. "The bear fell dead in front of him." "That's impossible," exclaimed the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have been doing the shooting." Sighing, the doctor gave his patient a friendly pat on the back. "That's what I'm getting at."